My wife has had breast cancer twice in the last 13 years and is a survivor, which I guess make me a survivor as well. I want to try and help those who are going through this ordeal with some guidance and suggestions.
First a little about us, we have been married since 1972 and are high school sweethearts. We have 4 great kids, all when we were younger and now 10 beautiful grand children. My wife is my soul mate and I am hers. Without her I am not sure what I would do or how I would survive. She is in every sense a survivor. She is a secretary and has worked a good part of her life, except some time off for child rising. I am retired military, a database administrator and trainer. Neither of us smoke or drink except the occasional social drink on New Years.
So as you can see we are fairly normal family now a day. Except for the fact that she had cancer the first time in her late 30s which is rare and again 2 years ago. Each time she has had a partial mastectomy and radiation treatments. This time was easier to handle then the first time.
What to expect
I am sure each of you reading this want to know what to expect. When will it get easier? When will both of you feel normal again. What is going to happen to her and you during the treatments? I will try to explain.
From the moment we found out about the cancer, things did change. We were both very scared and unsure what the future will hold. Would the radiation treatments work, would they be enough, what kind of scarring and disfigurement would there be. We had so many questions that we did not know what to ask or even who. The doctors were great; they put my wife at ease and did their best to prepare her for what was going to happen. Treatments went well. In the beginning she was still able to work till probably the 3rd week or so. Then she was tired most of the time. I still remember feeling so bad, here I was suppose to be protecting her, keeping her safe and I could not do anything to prevent this or even lessen the suffering. Some of the medications helped a little, but she was not herself. I picked up on doing some of the housework, watching the kids, cooking etc. But never felt like I did enough. For her part, she stayed home after the 3rd week or so rested as much as possible. But the treatments were everyday and each time she got more tired and sore. The soreness is like a bad sunburn but for weeks it does not go away.
I remember putting cream on her after the treatments to help ease the pain. After the radiation treatments it takes a few weeks before the sunburn disappears and a month or so before she was not as tired. It was several months before the swelling went down, maybe a year before we could tell how much different the breast size was going to be. My wife went from a D cup to a B cup after the first surgery. It is still early but the mastectomy was not as large as the first time.
What will happen?
The doctors will probably tell you what the treatment plan is. If you get a chance go with her to these appointments. Work can wait and they should understand. If you can afford it take family medical leave and stay home with her.
Radiation treatments are like a long x-ray. She will be placed in a mold to hold her body still and the x-ray will be targeted to the area of the cancer. This is what causes the burning. If they have to operate that is usually done first with about six week or so to heal before the treatments start. My wife was lucky in that she did not need chemical therapy. So I can not talk about those side effects. I understand they can be much worse. The x-rays kill the cancer cells but also damage the body and make it difficult for her to get much energy or fight off other illnesses. I remember the doctor telling us that she had to be careful because her immune system would be in shock for a while and it would be easier for her to pick up other illnesses that normally she would fight off easily. Treatments are straight forward and finite in period. Probably the easy part of the whole process. 10 weeks or so and it is all over with.
What you can do to ease the suffering
This is the hard part. Like I said before, I was supposed to protect her so now to try and redeem myself. Waiting on her hand a foot would have been nice, but I working the first time and could not take time off, someone had to bring in the money and like a lot of people we were a two income family down to one income.
Mood swings will be plenty. Just try to imagine a bad sunburn for 10 weeks without let up. The constant pain she was in I could see on her face. Treatments to moisten the skin helped and we made sure to make it our time when we could talk and let each other know what we were feeling. I know this is hard for men in general, but DO IT. She needs to know you understand, you care, and you do not hold it against her. At this point be a man and talk to her. She needs you, and as much as you may not want to admit it you need her. I think talking was the one thing that helped us through this whole ordeal. If either one of us had kept to ourselves we would not have made it through.
What you can do to ease your suffering
She has a lot on her at this point in time, just the cancer word is enough to scare the crap out of you, then surgery, treatments, recovery, financial stress, stress on the marriage, kids, family and friends all seem to fall on her shoulders. You need to take control and remove some of this stress on her, which puts more stress on you. But hey, you’re a man, you can handle it. And you’re not the one with cancer.
Each of us has our own way of releasing tension. For me it was sitting in a wooded area, having a good cry and talking to nature (God) although I am not an overly religious person, it helped. You need to find a support system. Family or friends need to understand you have a lot of stress on you as well. Find someone to take the shift with the wife so you can unwind in what ever helps you. Maybe a hard workout at the gym, going for a walk, watching a movie, going to the bar, what ever. Just make sure that she is taken care of for as long as it will take before you get back into the game. If you drink, do not take over until you are sober again. You need all of your strength to help her, not add more stress to her life at this time.
Wrapping it up
Well, I have rambled on long enough. Our life has been a lot stronger after the cancers than it ever was. We still talk to each other every night. We learned the signs of when something was wrong and initiated the conversations so that it does not brew under the surface. I am happy to say WE survived, as individuals and most importantly as a couple. There are many support groups available now a days. Find one in your area before you start treatments if possible and attend together. Listen to what others have to say, and build a friendship with them. They have gone through what you will be going through and can help in many ways. My God Bless you and your spouse and watch over both of you.
I love my wife. After 35 years I know of no other woman I would rather be with. The cancer has changed us. We are more loving, understanding and communicative then we were before. It has also changed our goals in life. We are now actively planning for early retirement. We have sold our home, purchased an RV and once the follow-ups are done in another year or so, we will take our life together on the road.